If you’ve been a parent for a while one of two things is likely true — either you are confident in your role, knowing exactly what you need to do, or you have become thoroughly confused and you feel clueless. You may be like the dad who said, “Before I had children I had three theories about parenting. Now I have three children and no theories.”
So what do parents do to help their families? What is their role in the home?
One overlooked passage about parenting is 1 Thessalonians 2. In this passage, Paul reminds that church about how he related to them as an apostle, pastor and elder. And he indicates that what he did with and for them was in the pattern of parenthood. In other words, faithful eldering is based on a model of godly parenting.
Here are a handful of principles we find in this passage for parents (and elders):
Be affectionate like a mother and lead like a father with your children.
If you are a dad, it is tempting to dismiss the extensive affection and tenderness your wife will give your children as “too much grace,” and if you are a mother it is tempting to dismiss the authority and discipline your husband will give your children as “too much harshness.” In reality, they need both. As an apostle and elder, Paul was both motherly and fatherly with his churches. And your children need both affection and leadership from you both.
Dad, your children need you to provide leadership and structure and discipline. And they need you to be affectionate and tender and gentle. They want to see a vibrant smile and feel a soft touch from your hands and a tight squeeze and hug of affirming love from your arms. That really is manly activity.
And mom, your children need to know your tender care, your compassionate concern, your persistent prayer, and your motherly gentleness for them. And they need you to uphold the rules and consequences that your husband establishes. They need to see you work in concert with your husband in guiding them spiritually and exhorting them to walk with Christ.
Together, you are called to provide them security in your relationship with them and structure and leadership for their lives. So you exhort them by giving them direction and instruction when they don’t know what to do and you implore them to follow and glorify Christ in all things.
Let’s be honest, that’s hard work. Much of what you do as a parent seems counter-intuitive and it is counter-cultural. Because of that, being a parent will cost you much. It’s hard work. Don’t think it’s easy. It is both physically and spiritually exhausting and fatiguing. It produces huge obstacles that seem insurmountable. It will keep you awake at night, and sometimes (often??), your children will not understand what you’ve done for them and they may even rebel against you and God. Hear this: fatiguing work is our calling as parents. God has called you to this hard work of being affectionate and leading so you can fulfill the second commitment —
Preach the gospel to your children.
It seems inconceivable, looking at an adorable newborn, but every child from the moment of birth is a self-absorbed sinner under the condemnation and wrath of God. And without your clear correction he would be hopelessly estranged from God and everything good in this world.
That means that like Paul with the church (v. 8) your greatest task in the home is to preach the gospel to your children. Your first task with your children is to serve as an authentic evangelist. Always be looking for gospel opportunities (and because they are sinners, you are sure to have many; I speak from experience). Relate discipline or the withholding of discipline to wrath and grace, which are primary gospel truths. When you discipline them, explain that your discipline is a very small picture of the great discipline to come from God if they do not repent. And when you do not discipline them, explain that you are withholding punishment as a small picture of the kind grace God gives to sinners when they repent and trust in Him for salvation.
You are the most important evangelist in your child’s life — be careful to take every opportunity to relate every action of his life to his need for a Savior. You will never give them more hope and encouragement than when you are relating gospel truth to your children.
Live with integrity before your children.
The gospel must be articulated verbally — we have a faith that is word and message centered. But the gospel is also demonstrated in lives that are changed. You will testify to your children about the greatness of the gospel when it genuinely transforms your own life. The gospel is not a truth you only speak about — the gospel is a truth you live. As Paul says in verse 10, the gospel produces a life that is devout and upright and blameless before Christ. That doesn’t mean you are perfect. It just means that you are increasingly moving towards Christ and that you are blameless because your sin is confessed and covered by the blood of Christ.
You will do much in evangelizing your children by simply being transformed in front of them.
Your children are going to make observations about your life. What are they seeing today and what will their witness be tomorrow? Love God to the point that He transforms your life so their testimony is “My parents love Christ and live with Him in integrity. They are like Christ.”
Disciple your children to live for Christ in all things.
Paul sums up his goal in leading the church in v. 12 — “so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory.” Your task with your children is the same — Do everything you do with your children to help them walk worthy of Christ. It’s no more complicated than that, but it is as hard as that.
Let me summarize it this way —
- The greatest test of parents is not how many children they have.
- The greatest test of parents is not what they say to their children.
- The greatest test of parents is not what their children choose to do for a vocation or whom they marry.
- The greatest test of parents is not whether they have a good relationship with their children.
- The greatest test of parents is their commitment to Christ and their integrity in that walk with Christ. Will they fulfill their God-given role to their children, regardless of what their children do?
The goal as a parent is to live Christ and obey Christ in your parenting.
If you are a parent, live Christ and the gospel in front of your children. And obey Christ in all your parenting.
Words of Grace 