Many times I have had someone make a brief comment after a Sunday morning worship service or over a Wednesday evening fellowship meal that goes something like this: “Pray for me, I’m going to visit my folks next week…” Or, “My kids are coming to visit this weekend; will you pray for us?”
There are many different reasons for those kinds of requests, but they are often uttered in the context of strained relations because of unresolved conflict or expectations that have not been (and often cannot be) met. And at the root of that conflict and those expectations is confusion about how to apply the command “honor your father and mother” (Eph. 6:2) as an adult.
Let me summarize my observation from many of these kinds of conversations: For many parents, the word “honor” means less than they think it does, and for many children, the word “honor” means more than they think it does.
By that I mean that while the word fundamentally emphasizes an attitude, it is not uncommon that parents think of honoring as an action. [Aside: this attitude obviously will carry over into a variety activities, as Jesus notes several times, including Mt. 15:5-6.] They have preconceived expectations and desires of what an adult child might do for them that they would deem to be honorable and when it is not done, they feel dishonored. At that point, they may have crossed the line from a desired attitude (honor) to a desired action (obedience). In talking to their adult children about what their expectations are for that relationship, it is unlikely that they would use the word “obedience” but that is often is what they really want.
In the same way, adult children are tempted to think that when they leave their parental home, their responsibilities to their parents are complete and that they no longer owe them anything — including obedience or honor. So they allow the relationship to stagnate so that there eventually is no relationship. In their attempt to exert a freedom that is given to them (and even commanded) by the Lord — “leave your father and mother” — these adult children presume that liberty also allows them to sever the relationship or ignore the relationship with their parents. So while they are free from the so-called shackles of “obedience,” they also end up disobeying the Lord by not attributing to their parents the honor that is due them.
The reason that there is confusion on this topic is because the meaning of the word “honor” is misunderstood or misapplied. The word refers to things that are valuable. These items or people are esteemed and are satisfying. So they are treated with dignity, respect and offered recognition. So in a relationship between parents and adult children the children will honor their parents when they respect the position of their parents and speak to them with gentleness and grace and never condescendingly. They will honor their parents when they seek their wisdom on issues that the parents are uniquely qualified to offer sage counsel. And they will honor their parents by speaking about them to others in dignified and honorable words and tones.
It is helpful to remember Scripture’s instruction for how one is to treat all those who are a generation older than him. Consider these examples:
- Lev. 19:32 ‘You shall rise up before the grayheaded and honor the aged, and you shall revere your God; I am the LORD.
- Prov. 16:31 A gray head is a crown of glory; It is found in the way of righteousness.
- 1 Tim. 5:1-2 Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity.
Not only are all people instructed to honor and value those who are older, but it is also made clear that there is a connection between honoring others and honoring the Lord. To honor the Lord, one must also honor those who are older; one cannot say he honors the Lord if he dishonors those who are older. And that includes parents.
If we are to relate to the generation that is older than us in a particularly respectful way, we should then be even more careful and honorable toward our own parents, whether we are 16 or 62.
So for an adult child to honor his parents, he is not bound by Scripture to obey his parents, but he still does have a responsibility to care for them and treat them with dignity and respect that is fitting for his parents’ position in his life. And in that way, the honoring then is not so much what the child does for his parents as it is his motives and attitudes toward his parents.
Words of Grace 